If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
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…u ok Nintendo?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room