I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Tastes like chicken.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.