It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
We found love in a hopeless place.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*