Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign