WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Me buying fruit and veg
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”