If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY