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I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Breaking news:
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry