If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Bike for sale
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
How can I say no to this ?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.