There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
those birds must be on payroll
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)