Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Great game to play with friends
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.