TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
guilty
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Saturday
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”