Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what