Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
The news is so predictable nowadays
Yup….perfect score!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat