My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.