[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.