*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’