I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
There is no try. There is only give up.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.