The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi