Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me irl
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.