I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.