Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed