I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Extremely relatable.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
What about second breakfast?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.