[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Monday
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
This made me chuckle.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
they finally got him. they got macavity
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
She: I like Cats
He:
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup