Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.