Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I need better friends
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!