The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Try and stop me.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
#growingpains
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.