Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
You Might Also Like
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Good advice.