i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Happy Caturday!