Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
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I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”