This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.