I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado