9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.