Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead