There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.