Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
U talkin 2 me?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.