We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
You Might Also Like
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
There’s always that one guy
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”