If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.