I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I feel seen
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies