My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!