My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
my first dose meeting my second
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands