Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.