I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
why no one uses midhusbands
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.