Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Welcome
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.