I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
can you read it!!??
maan!
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat