HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.