I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
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Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.