[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
yes… yes…
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there