Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
But I really needed water water water