Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult