My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
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Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
We’re all getting idioter.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating